


Flawless

by anagogia



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Procedures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23947276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anagogia/pseuds/anagogia
Summary: Nico gets sick and Levi learns how misleading first impressions can be.
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 24
Kudos: 135





	1. 1

Hello everyone! This is my first Grey’s Anatomy story. I love this couple and I really hope that season 17 will give them back to us. This is just something to overcome the prolonged Schmico fasting. I am not a native speaker and I haven’t written in a very long time but still I hope I’ll able to produce something enjoying. Please, let me know what you think. Both criticism and requests are welcome!

If six months earlier someone had told him that he would have found himself in a situation like this, Nico wouldn’t have believed it. Ever. He didn’t think it was possible for him to fall in love like this, madly, desperately, hopelessly. To fall in love with a clumsy, nerdy, weird second year intern who wore his heart on his sleeve and who seemed unable to avoid expressing out loud any thought and feeling right in the moment he was experiencing them.

Yet, it happened, and it was perfect. Having Levi in his life made him experience true happiness, a state of mind he had never been blissed with during his entire life. Levi was anything anyone could hope for: smart, sweet, a bit on the insecure side but still strong and determinate, caring and affectionate, generous and kind. He was amazing, in his eyes he was nothing but spotless perfection, and Nico couldn’t believe that he was willing to actually have a relationship with him, at least for the time being.

Nico was a not a fool; he perfectly understood that this precious thing they had could not last. Life had taught him this lesson the hard way, and he was not going to delude himself into thinking that their relationship could stand in the long run, but still, he was determined to cherish any moment he could get with Levi until the end, the unavoidable end. He was going to be destroyed sooner or later, he knew it, but he couldn’t manage to just let go right away. 

The last weeks had been rough for Nico. Lots of work, endless shifts and papers he had to complete for publication because he needed to keep a PubMed impact factor good enough to match Grey-Sloan’s standard. He hoped to be offered an attending position soon, and keeping up was taking a toll on him. He was tired to death, his migraine was almost constant now and since his last gym session he was experiencing an annoying, increasing pain in his side that didn’t seem to subside, no matter how many painkillers he shoved down his throat. 

Anyway, none of his problems mattered that evening. Levi had performed his first solo laparoscopic surgery that day. He had been brilliant. Nico was so proud of him. His insecurity was fading more and more every day, matching his constantly increasing surgical skills. Even Meredith Grey, a legend herself, complimented him afterwards. Tonight, Levi was going to get the celebration he deserved and a silly abdominal pain would not stop him from showing his boyfriend how much he outgrew his old, shaky self to became one of the top interns of his year. 

When Levi arrived home (they were not cohabitating yet, but he used to spend most evenings at his flat) he was met with a table lit by candle light, a home-cooked meal that looked delicious and an extremely proud handsome man who greeted him with a passionate kiss.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Later that night Nico found himself outside the ER entrance, pondering whether he was doing the right thing or totally screwing it all up. He was fine when he went to bed some hours earlier after Levi left to go celebrate with his mum, they had had a beautiful evening and he was peaceful and content; he would have never expected to wake up in the middle of the night to an excruciating pain in his abdomen. He had been violently sick multiple times, and he was pretty sure he was sporting a raging fever if the constant shivering was anything to go by. He really, really felt awful, and he couldn’t afford it at the moment, not when he was working so hard to build himself a position here in Seattle.

He had briefly considered to go to another hospital and then dismissed the idea; he was not a big fan of the touching and prodding you need to be subjected to as a patient, and the idea of appearing vulnerable and weak in front of his colleagues and co-workers aggravated the persistent nausea he was experiencing. He would definitely have felt more at ease with strangers, even though he hadn’t really befriended anyone at the hospital apart from Link, but a doctor from Grey-Sloan seeking medical attention elsewhere would have been too weird. If the Chief would become aware of that he could think that Nico didn’t trust his hospital with his own health, and it would made him lose points he has worked so hard to get. That wasn’t an option, that was why he was standing behind the ER closed doors trying to swallow his anxiety and to find the courage to go inside.

Suddenly the doors opened and a sleep-deprived Taryn Helm went outside while handing discharge papers to a patient. She spotted him standing and awkwardly approached him.

“Dr. Kim. Hi. I didn’t know you were on call this night. Did we call you? I didn’t dial the wrong number, did I? I was trying to page Neuro, things are crazy this night. “

Nico tried to gather his strength up and to switch from his current panicking self to the cold, distant, composed one anyone at work was used to. He couldn’t make a fool of himself at the hospital, he just couldn’t.

“I am not on call tonight. Actually, I was going to come inside. Are you on ER duty tonight? I think I might have appendicitis.”

“Yes, sure, where is the patient? Is it a friend of yours? I’ll perform a flawless assessment, I swear, thank you so much for not asking me to call an attending right away” she babbled.

“You didn’t get me right. I am the patient, and no, I don’t want you to call an attending right now, but please, would you let me inside? I don’t think I can stand much longer.”

Colour drained from Taryn’s face, and she visibly started to get pale.

“You? You mean, yourself? Do you think you have appendicitis? Do you want me to assess you? Are you insane? Do you know what would happen to me if I’d mess with the Ortho god of the hospital? Oh god, sorry, I’m sorry, I tend to talk too much when I panic, but … seriously? I’m calling Dr. Grey right away.”

Even though he was still on the verge of a panic attack himself, the pain was worsening and he was starting to feel dizzy Nico couldn’t help but laugh a little at the intern’s outburst.

“Helm, I promise I won’t let you kill me, and calling the Head of General for a simple abdominal pain at 4 o’clock AM would definitely be a massive mishap. You don’t want to do that, believe me. I may work with bones but I am still a doctor. Now, please, find me a bed or I’m going to pass out on you.”

“You’re my best friend’s boyfriend, is this even legal? I mean, aren’t you supposed not to treat family?”

“Helm. I am not your family.” he replied firmly. He took a step toward the entrance and doubled over, his hand clutching tightly his side, hissing in pain. “A bed. Now.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ten minutes later Helm has managed to draw blood from Nico while breaking his vein only twice, and a much-needed painkiller was finally dripping from an IV bag. Now the hard part had to start. She needed to assess his condition, ask questions, examine him. How could she do this? He was one of her teachers, an amazing surgeon, a fucking Greek statue AND Levi’s boyfriend. And on top of that he was certainly not the coddling type like Sheperd and Link were. He was distant and serious all the time. How could she find it in herself to do this?

“Helm. Come on. I’m not going to bite you. This is routine.”

“Yes. Sure. So… may I take your vitals?” she said while proceeding to grab the sphygmo and promptly dropping it. “Ok then. BP is a little low but you may be dehydrated, sats looks fine, heart rate is 110, which I suppose is not normal for you since we all know you’re a sport addicted. Temperature is 39,4°, which is concerning.” she nervously swallowed. As she was sheepishly approaching the bed to start with physical examination Dr. Grey entered the room, granting the poor intern so much relief she almost started crying on the spot.

“What’s happening here? Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Dr. Grey…”

“I asked her not to call you in the middle of the night. It’s just abdominal pain, no big deal. You don’t page the Head for this.”

“As a general rule, we don’t allow interns to practice over their attendings, and since you’ll soon be one that applies to you as well. Please, keep that in mind should I happen to show myself here with broken bones in the middle of the night.” She smiled and came closer “Besides, if I don’t get you the best medical attention I can Link will kill me, and then my sister will side up with him, and I wouldn’t wish a pissed Amelia on my worst enemy.” 

“Helm, go get me the ultrasound and call the lab to prioritize his blood tests.”

“I don’t need priority, really. I can wait.”

“That’s my call to make. So, how long have you been feeling pain in your side?”

Nico didn’t answer. Dealing with Levi’s best friend hadn’t been easy but this was ten times worse. This was Meredith Grey, she was a member of the board and her name was written all over the place. He felt nausea rising again and closed his eyes desperately trying to keep it at bay. He wasn’t going to be sick in front of Meredith Grey, he wasn’t going to be publicly sick at all.

“Nausea? Have you been sick before?” she asked and he nodded, not daring to open his eyes.

“It has been going on for some days but it didn’t get bad until this night. I just thought I pulled a muscle while training.”

“Here, let me see.” Meredith gently lifted his shirt and started examining him. Taryn, standing right beside her attending, slightly blushed. Her touch was gentle, almost caring, but Nico could feel his heart rate increase and his breathing getting shallow. He kept his eyes closed, focusing on breathing, and barely registered the coldness of the ultrasound probe until the pain spiked. He bit his lips hoping to be able to stay quiet.

“Your abdomen is rigid and you are guarding both your right and left lower quadrants. The ultrasound shows free fluid in all four quadrants. Maybe this was appendicitis days ago but now it is definitely more serious than that. Helm, go book a CT scan and start running pre-ops.”

She sat down and lightly put her hand on his shoulder, staring still at his eyes.

“We’re not really close but Link is dating my sister and I know how deeply he cares about you. I’ll figure this out, ok?”

“I’m just really sorry about causing so much trouble. I didn’t think it was serious.”

“No need to be sorry. Do you want me to call Link and Levi for you?”

The idea of Levi seeing him like that, in pain and dishevelled and barely able to keep his composure, made his panic rise even more. He could not let that happen, he couldn’t. There could be consequences and he wouldn’t take the risk. He needed to put himself back together.

“No, thank you. There is no need to wake them up right now. I’ll be fine.”


	2. 2

He was floating, and it wasn’t that bad. There was pain, but it felt numb and far away, they must have given him morphine or something similar. He was still dizzy and nauseous, but not as panicked as he was before. His eyelids felt like they were made of stone, maybe he could slip away just for a moment…

_Don’t. You can’t fall asleep right now. You’ll lose control. You can’t let them see you like that._

_There is little to no chance I’m not getting surgery. How am I supposed not to fall asleep until I am out of here?_

_Don’t lose control. Don’t let yourself go. Stay strong, it’s the only safe way._

Nico unwillingly opened his eyes. His vision was kind of blurred, and he was still shivering. He realized that he was attached to a monitor, and quietly observed his heart rate and body temperature being far higher than what was deemed to be healthy. His BP was still low despite the saline dripping into his system and even his O2 level was slowly but constantly decreasing.

_Maybe I am really sicker than I realized._

He closed his eyes again, now fully awake. He didn’t think it was that bad. He should have gone to another hospital, maybe claiming it was closer or something like that; coming to Grey-Sloan had been a huge mistake. How was he supposed to keep composure while resurfacing from general anaesthesia or while he was dosed with painkillers? How could he allow anyone to see him when his guard was forcedly down? How could he allow _Levi_ to take sight of him like this? Oh God, and what about his job?

Lost in his painful thoughts he didn’t realized that Dr. Grey ( _Meredith, I should really be able to call her using her first name, she asked for that multiple times_ ) had entered the room and was now seating in a chair beside his bed.

“The CT scan confirmed that there is free air and free fluid in all four quadrants. You have a retrocecal appendix, that could explain why you experienced only mild symptoms for so long. My guess is that your appendix ruptured and the resulting abscess was buffered by small bowel that ruptured as well. There is too much fluid for a simple ruptured appendix. CT scan images are not accurate enough to determine how far the ileal perforation is from the cecum. We’ll have to take a look and go from there. By the way, your white blood cells count, RCP and procalcitonin are fairly high, and creatinine is above normal level as well. You also have right pleural effusion due to diaphragm irritation. I strongly doubt it all happened this night.”

“I was fine, I experienced just mild discomfort until this night.”

Meredith simply stared at him, and he felt like his entire universe was collapsing.

_Good job, you’ve screwed it all up. Again._

“OR is ready, Helm is coming to prep you. Is someone on his way here? It was wrong of me to just assume that Link and Levi would be the ones you’d call right now, but you should definitely notify someone about what is happening.”

“I… well, no, no one is on his way here. They are the ones I’d call, but there is no point right now, is there? They wouldn’t be able to reach the hospital before you start, and if I can spare them a painful waiting in the family lounge then I’ll do that. There’s nothing they could do right now but worrying to no end. It’s 5 AM, they’ll find out soon enough. And Levi has a day off, he was bone tired after his surgery, and you know how he is prone to panic. I’ll tell him afterwards, it’s for the best.”

Meredith seemed to be puzzled, but then, she was always difficult to read.

“I know we’re not close enough for me to intrude, but I would be very upset if my friend or boyfriend underwent emergency surgery in the middle of the night without telling me about it. Wouldn’t you?

_Of course I would, but this is totally different. This is not about them. It is about me._

“Dr. Grey… Meredith. Please.”

“Fine then. I’ll see you in the OR.”

_Keep yourself together. You can do it. You must do it or you’ll lose everything again. Don’t let anyone see. It’s the only safe way._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

I know it may seem weird to tell you through a text but I kind of had a small drawback earlier and, to cut it short, I’m having my appendix out in ten minutes. It’s 5 AM and I didn’t want you to worry over something so minor since you were so tired yesterday. I’ll text you as soon as this is over, I’ll probably be up and awake even before you get up. In case I haven’t texted yet when you do, please DO NOT PANIC, and do not rush here using your mum’s car since we both know you’re not the most confident of drivers even when you’re up to it and one of us in the hospital at a time is enough :P See you soon, I hope your family celebration went well. Love, N.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

“Jo, I need you to come over.”

“Meredith? It’s 5 AM. What happened?”

“I need to perform an exploratory laparoscopy for suspected bowel perforation. On Kim.”

“Oh my god, is he okay? Well, of course he’s not since he’s going to be on your table soon but… you know what I mean, is he okay?”

“Jo, stop talking and come over. I don’t want to do this with Helm.”

“Meredith, are you ok? Why do you need me to operate with you? You could perform an exploratory even if you were blindfolded. And this is hardly the first time you perform surgery on someone you know. He’s not even your friend.”

“Because it’s creepy. He’s creepy.”

“He’s not creepy. He’s a good guy. And he’s so hot.”

“I know he’s a good guy but he’s being creepy right now. His labs are awful and so is the CT scan but he is still all calm and collected, and he apologized to me for creating trouble at night.”

“So? He’s got a sober personality. And he is Asian, they are collected, that’s what they do.”

“He didn’t let me call Link and Schmitt.”

“That’s weird.”

“Jo, I just have a bad feeling about this. Come over.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

When Jo entered the OR the lights were off and the laparoscopic screen was on full display.

“Hi. I’m here. I took a look at the scans, there must be an ileal involvement, there is…”

“Too much fluid in there. Yes, I know. Helm, keep the camera straight.”

“How is it going?”

“I’m trying to explore the bowel to find the site of the damage but there is just too much inflammatory tissue in the pelvis. I haven’t found it yet and any time I lose my grasp I cause a bleeding because tissues are so damaged. Helm, come on, keep the damn vision in line!”

“I’m sorry Dr. Grey. I am kind of nervous. I had never performed surgery on someone I know before, and Levi is a close friend of mine.”

“Be professional and keep you head in the game or leave; you’re not helping me.”

Jo came closer, silently staring at the bright screen.

“Damn. Peritonitis has set up pretty everywhere. This won’t be an overnight stay.”

“I don’t think it is safe to keep going this way. I’m doing more harm than good, and I wouldn’t be comfortable in performing an intracorporeal anastomosis with such a contaminated field.”

“I totally agree. I’m going to scrub in to help, let’s open him up. It will probably extend his recovery time but it is the safer route.”

“Ok people, let’s get ready for a laparotomic conversion.”

Three hours later Meredith and Jo were ready to close, and Helm was on the verge of fainting. Gaining adequate control of the surgical field had been difficult as hell, and they had to perform a double resection with consequent double anastomosis because the perforation was too far from the ileal valve and they wanted to spare as much healthy tissue as possible.

“We’re almost done.” Meredith said “Sutures look good, we debrided all inflammatory adhesions, we irrigated all quadrants and all sources of bleeding have been controlled. Helm, what happens now?”

“We need to put in drains to prevent postoperative collections and to check the correct placement of the nasogastric tube.”

“Right. Drains, please.”

Their waiting for the drains was interrupted by a frantic Link who entered the gallery almost running and turned the speaker on.

“Meredith, what happened? When I read his name on the billboard, I thought it was a bad joke!”

“Ruptured appendix and ileal perforation. We’re almost done, we just need to put drains in and close.”

“But… how is that possible? We worked together all week. He was fine yesterday.”

“Somehow I find it hard to believe. Look, could this conversation wait for half an hour?”

Link shut up but stayed in the gallery, his eyes fixed on his friend’s sleeping face, until Meredith and Jo took their gloves off and exited the OR. He followed them in the post-op area and waited for them to drink and wash their hands.

“Meredith, what happened?” he finally asked, anxiety making his voice unstable and meek.

“He was admitted in the ER at 4 AM for abdominal pain, vomit and fever. He said he was only experiencing moderate discomfort until then, but his CT scan tells a different story. His appendix ruptured, small bowel buffered the abscess and ruptured as well and then it all ended up in full-blown peritonitis. It was really, really bad, Link. He will be fine but it was bad and it won’t be a smooth recovery. His labs are a mess, kidney failure is starting to set up and he already has pleural effusion. I don’t know how he could let it go so far but I know he wasn’t fine at all yesterday.”

The blonde-haired surgeon stared at her in disbelief, then paled and sat down.

“I swear, he looked fine to me. Yes, he was tired, he was working hard to be offered an attending position, but he seemed otherwise in perfect health.”

He was shaken, he couldn’t believe that had happened. Nico was his fellow now but he had been his friend for much longer, since he was a first-year intern and Nico a freshman in college. They had met when they both volunteered teaching soccer to children in a community centre, and they had clicked despite the age gap. They had been pretty inseparable since then, and he thought he knew him better than anyone else. How could have he missed this?

“Why didn’t you call me? Hell, why didn’t Levi call me? I am his closest friend, he’s family to me, and I arrived this morning and freaking read his name on the billboard! I should have been here for him.”

“Levi is not here. He drove himself to the ER, I am not even sure Schmitt knows anything by now. And I insisted on him calling the both of you, I did, I offered to do it myself, but he was adamant in not letting me. He said he didn’t want you to worry that late at night and that you would have found out soon enough. I’m sorry, Link.”

“This is.. insane. Why would he do such a thing?”

Jo closed the distance and hugged him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t be too upset. There must be a reason, and you’ll have plenty of time to find out. Now you’re here, he’ll need a lot of support and care for a while and you're just willing to provide it. It won’t be an easy recovery, and complications could still arise. They’re moving him to the ICU right now. Go sit with him so that he can see a familiar face when he wakes up. You’ll sort this out later.”

“Yeah, you’re right. And I should probably call Levi. He’ll want to be here as well.”

_So, this was the second chapter. I hope that you liked it. Again, I am sorry for my mistakes, I am not a native speaker but I am trying hard. Thanks to anyone who read, it would be really important for me to know what you think about it. Both criticism and requests will be welcome._

_In the next chapter we’ll finally get to see Levi as well._


	3. 3

Levi was still deeply asleep, fully enjoying the luxury of a whole day off. His bed in his mum’s basement had never felt so comfortable before, and even if he missed the warmth of Nico’s body lying beside him, he still felt content, satisfied, happier than he had ever felt before. He was becoming a surgeon, he really was, and he had an amazing boyfriend who was helping him grow into someone who could be proud of himself. Levi had never been proud of himself, he had never completely believed he could manage to reach confidence, to reach excellence, but he was slowly but steadily starting to, and it was all thank to Nico. That was Nico’s unique, special brand of magic.

He was so deeply wrapped in his personal bubble of happiness that he almost missed his phone ringing. He groggily grabbed it and as soon as he realized that Dr. Lincoln, his attending, was the one trying to reach him his heart started pounding in his chest and he went into full panic mode. God, what did he messed up with this time?

“Dr. Lincoln, I am sorry. I can’t truly recall what I messed up with right now because I was still asleep but I swear that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean to. I didn’t forget I was on your service, did I? I thought I had a day off but I could have messed up with my schedule, it has happened before; if this is the case I’ll be there as close to immediately as possible.”

“Levi, you didn’t mess up with anything. This is a personal call. I’m calling about Nico.”

Levi’s heart stopped pounding. It felt like it had actually stopped beating at all. 

“What happened?”

On the other end of the phone Link was carefully choosing his words. A panicked Levi was not what he needed at the moment; it was mandatory to keep him able to at least reach the hospital in one piece. He was going to have plenty of time to work himself up later.

“He went into surgery for a ruptured appendix. He’s still asleep, I supposed you’d want to be here when he wakes up.”

“But… how is that possible? I left him at midnight and he was fine. And why didn’t he call me sooner?”

“I really don’t know, and I need to head to the OR now. Just come over ok? I’ll see you later.” Link lied before hanging up.

Levi felt numb, but his heart was slowly starting to gain a normal rhythm again. He had last seen Nico 10 hours before and if their post-dinner activities were anything to go by, he was perfectly fine back then, it couldn’t be too bad. And a ruptured appendix was nothing to worry about, the main problem being having to deal with his complaining about rest and sick leave from work. 

“He’ll be just fine” Levi muttered to himself. “We’ll be just fine.”

While trying to get himself dressed and desperately looking around for his glasses which were apparently nowhere to be found his eyes felt on his phone’s screen and he noticed an unread text.

I know it may seem weird to tell you through a text but I kind of had a small drawback earlier and, to cut it short, I’m having my appendix out in ten minutes. It’s 5 AM and I didn’t want you to worry over something so minor since you were so tired yesterday. I’ll text you as soon as this is over, I’ll probably be up and awake even before you get up. In case I haven’t texted yet when you do, please DO NOT PANIC, and do not rush here using your mum’s car since we both know you’re not the most confident of drivers even when you’re up to it and one of us in the hospital at a time is enough :P See you soon, I hope your family celebration went well. Love, N.

Relief flooded through him and he felt like he could properly breathe again. Nico was okay; he was going to scold him and yell at him for not asking for his help sooner than expected. He was okay.

Even if he hadn’t texted yet.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The last thing Levi expected to see while entering Grey-Sloan’s hall was Dr. Lincoln sitting in the waiting area, his eyes glued to the entrance door and apparently waiting for him.

Something was wrong.

“Shouldn’t you be in the OR?” he asked, less respectfully than usual even if he was talking to an attending and Head of department.

“I was waiting for you.”

“Dr. Lincoln, with all due respect, I am dying over here. What happened?”

“Nico’s surgery was more serious than I told you. I’m sorry about lying but I wanted you to reach the hospital safely.”

Levi’s world started spinning. Nothing could really be wrong with Nico, right? Not his Nico. He was unbreakable. 

“He had a retrocecal appendix that according to Meredith ruptured days ago. Small bowel buffered it until it was too damaged from the infection and ruptured as well. He had severe peritonitis and Meredith and Jo performed a double resection on him. They tried a laparoscopic exploration but the infection was too severe so they switched to a laparotomic procedure.”

“But how… how can it be possible? We were together until midnight yesterday. He cooked for me, we had dinner. We had… “despite the dire circumstances Levi blushed “… fun. He looked fine. He was fine.”

“We worked long hours together all week, and he looked fine to me as well, but the only thing we can be sure about right now is that he was not.”

Link stopped, and put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder.

“Levi, listen to me. I know that you can’t understand how this happened. I can’t either and it’s killing me, but right now Nico needs us. We’ll have time to sort things out with him later. His wellbeing and his health must be the only things that matter. Understood?”

Levi nodded, barely able to keep himself together and to keep walking.

“Dr. Lincoln, General ward is on the other side of the building.”

“We’re going to the ICU.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Levi was a doctor, he was becoming a surgeon, but still nothing could have prepared him for the sight of Nico, his beloved Nico, lying in an ICU bed. He was deadly pale, motionless and still, and he would have thought he was dead if it weren’t for the rhythmic rising of his chest. His cheeks were unnaturally flushed, his breathing laboured despite the oxygen mask, and he was attached to cables, wires and monitors that made him look small and fragile. Levi’s eyes immediately went to the readings of his vitals which were not comforting at all.

He stayed on the door, silent and frozen. He couldn’t breathe.

Link went closer to the bed and awkwardly straightened the central line up so that drugs could flow in more easily. He took a sit next to his friend, looking barely able to stop tears. 

Levi couldn’t move, he still couldn’t breathe.

Meredith entered the room and quickly squeezed Levi’s shoulder before she approached the bed. She had never been so affectionate before, but he still couldn’t breathe.

“No signs of awakening yet?”

“He hasn’t moved an inch. And his breathing seems too laboured.”

“He has pleural effusion and he underwent more than four hours of intubation, that’s to be expected. I’m more concerned about his temperature. He isn’t responding to paracetamol and NSAIDs, it is still far too high. And his kidneys aren’t keeping up as well.” she continued looking at the almost empty catheter’s bag.

“What if it doesn’t go down?”

“Then we sedate him and pack him with ice, but I really hope we won’t need to do that. Let’s give antibiotics a chance to kick in. I’ll order more fluids as well. He’s at high risk of septic shock, we need to support circulation.”

“Dr. Grey.” Levi whispered, and both attendings looked surprised to hear him speaking. “He was fine.”

“I know, Levi.” she answered softly “I know.”

Levi couldn’t breathe. That was not how things were supposed to be.

He slowly, gingerly went closer. He took notice of the central line, of the arterial line, of the drains that were collecting all the fluids built up due to severe peritonitis. There were four of them.

“It is too much.” he thought “You never put four drains in. Never.”

That was not how things were supposed to be. Levi was not the strong one, Nico was. Nico usually took care of Levi, not the other way around. He knew all about Levi’s “how to” by heart; how to deal with a frantic Levi, how to deal with a panicked Levi, a sad Levi, an insecure Levi. How to encourage him, how to calm him down, how to inspire him. How to love him. He knew all of that; Levi didn’t. Nico was always confident, self-reliant, collected; Nico was made of stone. 

Deep down, Levi knew that couldn’t be true, that he was human just like anyone else and that he experienced pain and fear and struggles just like he himself did. But Nico was awful at expressing feeling, and the only time Levi had tried to force him to do so when Josh died almost ended up in them breaking up. He was not going to risk it to happen again; Nico was the most precious thing ever happened to him and he was willing to do anything not to lose it. He was conscious that this was resulting in them having a totally unbalanced relationship, that he was always taking and never giving and that Nico deserved much better than this, but somehow this amazing human being was kind and selfless enough to accept that he was still learning. Levi had never had a significative relationship before but he was determined to learn how to be anything that Nico could ever need and want.

The problem was that he hadn’t learned it yet, and now Nico needed him and he couldn’t breathe, he wasn’t ready, he didn’t know how to do this.

He couldn’t breathe.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Pain was the only thing that Nico was registering. Pain was all over him, overwhelming, breathe-taking, so much worse than before. Everything ached, there was pain and nothing else existed. He was pain.

He wasn’t at all aware of his surroundings, but in the middle of this excruciating ache he heard that voice, his voice, and relief flooded through him. He clung to that voice as if it was a lifeline. One of the many reasons that drove him to decide not to call Levi sooner was that part of him feared he wouldn’t have come. He feared that Levi wouldn’t have wanted to do anything with him if he was unable to be his usual, pristine self. But no, his kind-hearted, compassionate Levi was there, he was willing to forgive him for his weakness, for not being strong enough.

He knew he was going to be rejected sooner or later, he knew that, but the time had not come yet, and even if he was lost in a dazed, painful fog Nico sworn he was going to do anything to be strong and collected, to keep himself together, to show his Levi that he still deserved to be with him.

At least for the time being.


	4. 4

It wasn’t before late afternoon that Nico seemed close to coming to. He had started to weakly trash around, tossing and turning as much as his current attire allowed him to, and he was clearly in pain, but it wasn’t safe to administer him more painkillers since he hadn’t really woken up yet.

Link was growing more and more restless, unable to stand the sight of his dearest friend suffering so much but at the same time unable to do anything about it. Nico was becoming agitated and that wasn’t helping his heart rate that was steadily becoming closer to the danger zone. Totally at loss, he sat on his bed and put one of his hands on his forehead hoping to be able to soothe him at least a little bit.

“It’s ok buddy. You’re ok and we’re here with you. Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself. Why don’t you try to breathe slower? Nice and slow, everything’s ok.” He said while softly rubbing his chest. “Come on, open your eyes for us.”

He looked towards Levi who was uncomfortably sitting on a chair on the other side of the bed, silent and still, his hands clutched together. Link was sure that the younger man’s touch could likely help Nico more than his own’s, but Levi seemed unable to make a move, too afraid to even touch him.

“Come on” he whispered while gently massaging his fevered brow “wake up for me.”

Nico let out a weak, quiet moan. His eyes flickered open then closed again while his hand reached for the oxygen mask, missing it by a mile.

“Let it be, it’s helping you breathe. Who could have guessed that I’d get the chance to see you clumsy for once?” he teased. “Come on, look at me. I know you’re not sleeping anymore. If you’re waiting for me to leave so that you can make your escape, think again.”

The man on the bed winced and finally he fully opened his eyes and stared at his friend. He looked surprisingly focused even though he had just come out of general anaesthesia.

“Here you are.” Link smiled “Welcome back. You gave us quite a scare. Next time you’re going to have your appendix removed I’d prefer to be told in advance.”

Nico smiled at his joke before grimacing.

“How are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

He shook his head, and Link looked puzzled at his obvious lie. He turned his gaze to Levi, who was still sitting in the same position. This was probably the longest the guy had been able to remain silent and still in his whole life. He gestured for him to come closer and the young man reluctantly complied.

“Hi” he said tentatively.

As soon as Nico’s eyes fell on Levi’s figure he seemed to deflate, relief visibly flooding over him, and Link realised that he was assuming Levi wasn’t there. How was that even possible?

“Something minor, uh?” Levi asked nonchalantly, close enough to be seen but not enough to be touched. Nico lifted his hand, trying to grab hold of his boyfriend’s one, but he was too weak and he was too far, so it fell defeated back on the mattress. Levi didn’t notice, but Link did. Something weird was going on, but he couldn’t fathom what.

“I’m sorry.” he croaked, trying to speak loud enough to be heard from behind the mask “I didn’t realize it was that bad.”

Silence fell over the room, and Link restrained himself from yelling at Levi right there. Nico was so obviously longing for a contact with him, was it so difficult to get closer?

The awkward moment was luckily interrupter by Meredith entering the room, a bright, welcoming smile on her face.

“You’re awake! I was starting to worry you’d been dosed with too much good stuff.” She approached the bed and took notice of his vitals’ readings, barely able to conceal her apprehension at his still too high temperature.

“Step back you two.” she continued while pulling out her stethoscope “Be good family members and go grab a coffee. Let me do a proper check-up without the two of you hovering around.”

She listened thoroughly to his heart and lungs, asking him to take deep breaths that hurt like hell, then palpated his abdomen and checked the surgical incision. Nico wished he could disappear right and there. He was lying helpless and basically unable to move, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and barely able to keep focus because, despite his internal battle to keep himself together, his mind felt dazed and confused, and Meredith Grey, the Meredith Grey, was prodding at him with concerned, sympathetic eyes. This was far beyond mortifying; he had never felt so ashamed before in his entire life.

Having apparently completed her examination she sat on the chair and looked at him, her piercing eyes scanning his expression.

“So, how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Much better than yesterday. Thank you for what you did for me, it was the middle of the night and surely the Head of General doesn’t usually get paged for things like this.”

Something sad flashed through her eyes, but it was quick and Meredith wasn’t for sure crystal clear to decipher.

“Nico, this was anything but easy. I called Jo and asked her to join me because I didn’t want to operate with Helm alone.” She paused for a moment, then sat on the bed. “I’m a very private person just like you are, I get this, and I think that I have been where you are right now, a very dark place where I hope not to find myself ever again. I understand your strong need for self-reliance, I do, but there are boundaries and you overstepped them. You ignored symptoms for so long that you put your life in danger, and this is definitely not ok. We’re not friends but if you should ever feel like talking to someone that could maybe understand, I’m here. And since I am your doctor, I need you to be honest with me, otherwise this won’t work. You are a talented surgeon and you must have realized how serious this is. Allow me to do my job. So, let me ask again: how are you feeling?”

The man in the bed was astonished, unable to process what Meredith had just said. He wouldn’t ever have guessed she could be so empathetic. There was something in her words that made them feel like they were true, as if she really understood.

Sadly, that could not be possible, not in his eyes, not for him, so he just offered her a polite smile.

“I feel fine.”

She stood, getting ready to leave.

“Yeah, right. I’ll be increasing your morphine rate in any case. And remember that my offer still stands.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Levi had been nursing a cup of coffee for the last ten minutes, not sipping at it even once.

“Levi, are you ok? You seemed off in there. I know that seeing someone you love in pain is not easy but you looked like a salt statue.”

The boy looked up to his attending so that he could see there were tears in his eyes.

“Dr. Lincoln, I am going to screw this up. I know that. I don’t know how to do this.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not… this is not… how we function. I had never had a significative relationship before, I don’t know how to take care of people. And Nico, he is the strong one, he is always collected and put together and I am usually the mess. I don’t know how to do this; I wish I did but I don’t.”

“Levi, this is crap. You are amazing in taking care of people. Patients adore you.”

“But they are patients! The only time I tried to help Nico, to be there for him was when Josh died and that resulted in us almost breaking up. I’m not saying it was totally my fault but I should have known better than trying to force him to open up to me because that made things a million times worse so… I just stopped trying. I am willing to learn, trying to, but I haven’t until now. And he is great at taking care of me, he is amazing and he is everything I need. I wish I could be the same for him but… I am not.”

“You do realize this is totally unhealthy, don’t you? This is not how things work in a couple. There must be mutual support, giving and taking.”

“He seems to be perfectly satisfied about how things are. He never asks for my help or support.”

“And that should worry you even more” Link thought to himself, but decided against speaking out loud. The poor guy already had too much on his plate.

“Listen to me, man. Nico needs you right now, and I am completely sure you’re the only person he really wants by his side, so put your shit together and go back there. It’s time to grow up.”

He squeezed his shoulder in what he hoped could pass for a reassuring gesture.

“I have some patients to check but I’ll stop by later. Go and be with him, that’s the only thing you can do.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Levi went back to find an awake albeit sleepy Nico staring at the ceiling. His fever was still lingering towards 40° and he was squinting uncomfortably.

“Headache?”

As soon as he saw Levi standing beside his bed, he felt his heart swell and he gave him a genuine smile.

He was really there. He had come for him, even when he was like this.

“I’m fine.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“Really, Levi, I feel good. As good as possible at least. I am sorry I ruined your celebration day off, you had been looking forward to it for ages.”

Levi was walking through the room determined to go sit on the bed and take his hand and screw the fear to do the wrong move, but he stopped as soon as he heard it.

“Are you insane? You just had major surgery! Who cares about celebrations! Furthermore, we celebrated enough yesterday. Talking about ruining happy moments, the idea that you organized a fucking perfect evening for me while you had a burst organ inside you might upset me a bit. I thought you should know.” He spat out before sitting on the chair again.

Nico immediately registered the change of mood and felt panic rising up his throat.

_You’re doing it. You’re screwing things up. It’s happening. It’s too soon… not so soon, please, not yet._

He took a deep breath and struggled to extract his hand from the sheet, hoping that Levi would take the hint and take it, but he didn’t. He continued to be silent, and that made him freak out even more. Levi was never silent, never.

He felt his chest constricting. He was craving Levi’s closeness, he would have given anything right now to feel his warmness, to see his smile, but this was too much to ask for and he knew it.

_Keep yourself together, you’re pathetic enough already. Don’t you see he can barely stand the sight of you right now? Don’t you realize he’s forcing himself to sit in this room?_

“Listen, I’m sorry, I really am. I should have called you but it was late, you were tired and I didn’t realize it was serious.”

And he didn’t want Levi to see him like this the night before, he still didn’t want to but he couldn’t help it and now Levi was probably going to walk away.

“I won’t ever be too tired for you.” Levi replied, his voice somewhat sweetened.

“I am sorry, love. Forgive me, mm? You cannot be mad at me right now. I am sick, I get to have privileges.”

Levi laughed softly, and Nico realized he could breathe again. Maybe he was safe for now, but better to be safe than to be sorry.

_Change the subject, lighten the mood, show him you’re still put together enough._

“So, how did your family celebration go?”

They kept chatting for a bit, still avoiding the elephant in the room but quieter than before. It was almost 8 PM when Nico yawned, his eyelids almost dropping with exhaustion. He had been running on sheer will for a while now, but there was no way he would fall asleep while Levi was watching him.

The same Levi who was looking at him with affection again but hadn’t touched him yet.

“You should sleep. You look drained.”

“And you should too. You have early rounds tomorrow.”

“Actually… I was planning to spend the night here. I don’t want to leave you on your own.”

“No way.” He answered, anxiety making him sound harsher than he intended to. “You’re an intern, you need to sleep, and I’ll be here for a while. You can’t be hospitalized with me the whole time.”

“What if you need something? What if you feel worse and you don’t manage to ask for help?”

_He sees you as a needy burden already. He’s acting out of pity._

“I am hooked to a dozen monitors, nothing could go unnoticed. And Jo is on call this night, I bet she’ll be around here the whole time. I’ll be fine.”

Levi looked hurt, but got up and took his jacket.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow, if that’s ok for you.”

“Of course.”

“Goodnight then.” he said while leaving.

Nico stared at his back becoming smaller and smaller until he turned the corner and disappeared.

_You’d better get used to this._

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

As soon as Levi left the hospital he let the tears he had been keeping at bay for the past hour freely overflow his face.

What was wrong with him? Was he really so bad that Nico didn’t want him to stay with him while he was so sick? Was he really so lacking that his boyfriend believed it pointless to even give him a chance?

As unlikely as it was, the last few months had taught Levi that Nico really cared for him; he was now close to the point of actually believing Nico when he claimed to love him. Their feelings were honest and openly shared, that was not the point.

But what then?

Levi knew he was too upset to conjure a logical analysis of the matter right now, but he needed to sort it out, and he needed it soon, so he decided to head for Taryn’s flat.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It was almost midnight and Link had finished his rounds. All of his surgeries had been rescheduled for the day, and tomorrow was going to be a hell of a shift, but he wanted to check on his friend before going home to catch up with as much sleep as possible. He walked quietly, being sure that Levi would have paged him if something had happened.

The last thing he expected to see was commotion in the room and Jo running with a nurse dragging a crash cart behind her.

**This was maybe too long, I really hoped you liked it. I am working especially hard in trying to describe the character’s insight, I’m trying to write them as I portray them to be but I am finding it quite challenging. Anyway, thanks so much to anyone who read and reviewed. Feedback and opinions in general are always appreciated. As usual, sorry for my English!**


	5. 5

Link stood frozen on the doorframe, looking around and trying to understand what was happening. He stared at the monitor which still reported the presence of a heartbeat, albeit erratic and too fast, and a much too low blood pressure. Jo was injecting something in the central line while a nurse was preparing an intubation kit and Parker was pushing a non-rebreather mask against Nico’s face, his other hand turning the oxygen flow to the maximum level.

He felt detached, like if he was watching a movie. The man lying there was his friend, the same friend with whom he had spent the whole previous day, doing their best while they fixed a young girl’s leg. He was fine back then, and now there he was, seemingly unable to breathe adequately to keep himself alive. The whole scene looked like a nightmare. 

“Come here” Jo demanded from the head of the bed “we need help. Keep him upright so that I can listen to his chest. Parker, bring here the portable X-ray machine to take some scans.”

The medically trained part of his brain responded to the order and switched to emergency mode. He grabbed Nico from his shoulders and let his head rest against his collarbone, using one hand to keep the mask in place while the other was tightly sprawled across the back of his neck, his fingers gently massaging it trying to offer some comfort. He didn’t seem to be aware of his surroundings, his breathing being so much laboured than before and his skin still dry and too hot to the touch.

“It’s pulmonary oedema.” Jo stated “We’ve been giving him crystalloids to keep his BP up but his kidneys aren’t up to the game. And I can’t hear almost anything on the right side, the pleural effusion has worsened. Push 100 mg of furosemide and start a norepinephrine drip.” she ordered the nurse.

“How long?” Link asked.

“He was already desaturating when I started my shift. Meredith had started with low doses of diuretic and dopamine but it didn’t work and she had to stop the dopamine when he went into atrial fibrillation. He developed respiratory distress just some minutes ago.”

“Was he conscious?”

“Far too conscious if you ask me. I offered him a sedative because he seemed agitated and unable to sleep but he refused.”

Just as Link was going to question her more Parker wheeled the portable X-ray device into the room and they both stepped outside to avoid radiation exposure. As they waited Jo finally noticed Link’s distressed expression, worry deeply marking his usually relaxed, happy-go-lucky features.

“You two are really close, aren’t you? I think I never realized it before.”

“Yeah.” he whispered “Yes, we are. I thought we were at least, but I missed this and he didn’t call me and I just… I don’t know. This is bad, and it is worsening.”

“He’s young and strong, he’ll pull through. We are going to make sure of that.”

Link didn’t answer and slumped defeatedly against the wall looking at the I-pad in his hands.

“Look at the scans. His right lung completely collapsed, and there is definitely pulmonary oedema. You’re going to need to intubate him again.”

“Not yet. I don’t want to if I can help it. I’m going to put a chest tube in and give the diuretics some time to work.”

Link stood, but Jo prevented him from entering the room again.

“No.” she declared “This is going to be painful and crude you don’t definitely need to see it. Just wait outside, you can come back later. I’ve got him, ok?”

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Levi waited for five full minutes behind Taryn’s door. When his friend finally opened, she was still wearing her pyjamas, her eyes red from sleep.

Being both sleep-deprived and drained, it took them just a moment to reach the point.

“What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t want me.”

“Come on, Levi. Of course he does. He adores you. He venerates the ground you walk on.”

“He’s in pain and sick, he should lean on me right now. I’d drop anything to take care of him, but he doesn’t want me to.”

“He does anything he thinks you’d like. He cooks for you, he drives you, he studies with you. And with us, just because we are your friends.”

“But he doesn’t trust me.”

Taryn sighed. She had seen this coming, she had, but it didn’t make it any easier to handle.

“Maybe not to full extent.”

“Really? Am I really so lacking?”

Taryn engulfed Levi in a warm, sincere embrace.

“Of course you’re not lacking. You’re awesome, and he knows it, but you’re kind of… unripe? You’ve never had a significative relationship before, let alone a homosexual one… I bet he thinks he needs to shield you. That’s what I’d do. How can you be supportive when you haven’t come to terms with who you are yet?”

“I could because I love him.”

“I’m not sure I can trust you with this, how could him? You’ve never done this before. The first experience after realizing what you really like is inebriating, it intoxicates you. I’ve been there. You wouldn’t be the first one to take one thing for another.”

“So, do you think that he doesn’t want to rely on me because he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is he waiting for me to realize that I don’t really love him?”

Levi was astonished. They had been together for almost a year now, and during all this time he had worked really hard to make himself believe that someone like Nico could really have an interest in him. He never gave one single thought to the possibility that this could also work the other way around, frankly he didn’t believe it possible, and by the way he was ready to break up by now. He couldn’t think about anything but his beloved Nico laying in an ICU bed, sick and hurting and alone. He would have given anything to be there right now, but he couldn’t, because Nico didn’t want him to, and Taryn’s explanation couldn’t possibly be plausible.

“I had a coffee with Dr. Lincon today. He said that our relationship is totally unhealthy, that there should be giving and taking and mutual support and all this crap. It felt like I could finally see clearly after endless days of darkness.”

Taryn tensed up. She couldn’t guess where Levi’s twisted mind was going but she didn’t like it at all.

“Care to explain?”

“He never asks for my help, nor for my advice. He never tells me about bad days or fears or about anything personal. Yes, he does listen to my rambling for hours, he studies with me and he does all those cheesy, adorable things for me but he never lets me do the same for him. He raised my confidence but he never lets himself be vulnerable in front of me.” A small, sad tear crossed his face, and Taryn’s heart almost broke. “I’m his pet, Taryn. I’m a plushie to him, and a sex toy maybe, but not a companion. How can you believe that someone like him doesn’t believe in my feelings? That’s not the point. He doesn’t see me as his equal. He doesn’t respect me.”

Levi was visibly crying now, and all of Taryn’s alarms were on, but she really didn’t know how to stop him, because there was something about Nico that she didn’t understand herself, and maybe there was some truth in Levi’s words.

“He’s amusing himself with my presence, but right now, when he really needs support, I am not good enough. I thought it was my fault but it is really not. He’s been toying with me, and I am here crying my eyes out because all I crave for at the moment is being with him and making sure he is alright.”

“Levi, there could be some good premises here, but I am sure you’re jumping to the wrong conclusion. Yes, maybe Nico feels the need to protect you, maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable in relying on you when he needs support yet, but he does love you deeply. Anyone could tell that. He respects you; he treasures you. And he is such a private, emotionally repressed person, and you know that. That’s not about you, I think this is all about him.”

Levi seated silent and broken, unable to conjure a coherent sentence.

“I just want him to be healthy and happy, Taryn. If that does mean me stepping back, then I’ll just do it. I’d give him anything, even if it breaks me. Maybe this is for the best, and maybe, just maybe, it will be good for me to stand up for myself for once. I don’t deserve to be treated like a pet. If he wants to be left alone, alone is what he’ll get.”

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

By 3 AM Jo’s efforts had managed to spare Nico another round of sedation and intubation, at least for the time being. His vitals were still far from good but they were better than before, his breathing still laboured but steady enough to sustain a decent oxygen saturation.

Since being readmitted in the room Link has grabbed hold of his friend’s hand and hasn’t let go. He wasn’t lucid but he wasn’t sleeping either; unable to lay still and lost in a fevered daze he kept muttering incoherently in what sounded like Korean. Link couldn’t understand his delusional whisper but he was sure he had heard Levi’s name multiple times, and it broke his heart.

Schmitt was a good, golden-hearted guy, why the hell wasn’t he there? Was he really able to rest at home while his partner was in so much pain? Link couldn’t believe Levi capable of being so careless but the circumstances were proving him wrong.

As if she could read his mind, Jo voiced his concerns aloud.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that Schmitt isn’t here? I haven’t seen him around. I thought I’d have to physically push him away just to be able to work with him.”

“He was here earlier, and he seemed to be a bit… overwhelmed. I don’t really know him but he seems to be a sweet boy. I’ll have a talk with him in the morning.”

“And maybe I’ll strangle him” he thought.

“I think… I think that I heard Levi’s name earlier. While I was putting the chest tube in, I think he was calling out for him. Parker heard it too, he almost chocked.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“I can do it if you allow me to. You’re too involved to be fair, and I don’t want you to beat the hell out of him. We’re kind of friends, I can try to understand what is happening here, I think I’ll have better chances than you.”

“Now” Jo continued “Please, go to sleep. The ICU on-call room is free, I’ll be sitting with him, get some rest. You have surgeries later.”

“What if something happens again?”

“I’ll be here, I’ll monitor him and I swear I’ll call you if he gets worse. Please, go to sleep. He’s doing a bit better, he’ll survive until 7 AM.”

Link pondered for a moment, then shook his head. “I’m staying. He’s in pain and delirious, I don’t want him to be alone.”

“You’ll endanger your patients if you don’t get at least a couple of hours of rest. Go, Link. I’ve got him, I already told you so.”

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The darkness that surrounded him seemed impenetrable. Vague sounds like voices reached him, but he couldn’t make any sense of it at all. Then someone touched him and pain flared through his body. For a fleeting instant his eyes opened, but all he saw was a confused kaleidoscope of colours and movements before the darkness swallowed him again.

He didn’t remember what happened, he didn’t understand where he was or why he was in so much pain.

He couldn’t move. It took Nico several seconds to realise that he was actually awake because his eyes wouldn’t open and he couldn’t move more than a fraction of an inch in any direction. Panic flared through his mind as he fought whatever was keeping him in place. It was useless, though and he tired after only a few moments. Pain washed over him again, sharp and stabbing and building.

He tried to focus, and the first thing he registered was something warm and soothing keeping his left hand in place. In the middle of that painful fog that felt good, it felt safe. He concentrated on it and memories started coming back: the ER, the surgery, Meredith’s speech.

_Levi._

As soon as he recalled his last conversation with him his heart jumped into his throat painfully throbbing and shame overwhelmed him. He should have gone to another hospital, he should have feigned a family emergency or find another good excuse, he should have just gone anywhere but there. He couldn’t believe he had actually allowed Levi to see him like this.

_You did it. You made your own bed and now you have to sleep in it. There is no coming back._

As humiliated as he felt, as much as he hoped not to see Levi again until he was back on his feet, he knew that Levi was also the one single thing he would have given anything to have right now. Had Levi been there, he would have been able to clear the fog, he would have been able to make the pain go away. 

_Don’t allow yourself to crave for such comfort, for such kind of love. You won’t ever have that, that’s not for you. Levi will find someone who’s worth this kind of affection and care and leave, you know that. You’ll be lucky if you get to keep him a little longer. Maybe this is the final blown. You should have been strong, you should have kept yourself together. You deserve this._

Suddenly, the warmness in his hand disappeared. He shivered; he hadn’t realized it was so cold before.

_That was too much too, what were you expecting?_

The voices in his head grew louder and louder, and there was nothing he could do to make them stop but trying to stay awake.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jo kept glancing at the monitor which showed an increasingly high heart rate. It was still a synusal rhythm and not fibrillation as it was before, but she couldn’t fathom why. His temperature wasn’t any lower but neither it was any higher, his kidneys were starting to recuperate and there were no signs of bleeding, the drains were clear.

Was he in pain?

She went closer for further inspection and she noticed that his eyes were open and that he seemed a little more alert than he was before.

“Hey” she smiled “It’s nice to have you back.”

He tried to speak but all he could manage was a raspy moan.

“Wait” she said while fetching some ice chips. She lifted the mask and gently fed him one.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t do this. You’re the ICU surgeon, no need to give me a special treatment.”

“You’re really being stupid, do you know that? I know that doctors make the worst patients but you’re taking this to a whole new level. You’re not just a patient to any of us. Here at Grey-Sloan we take care of each other.”

He tried to reply but he started coughing instead and gingerly his hand reached the surgical incision.

“Are you in pain?”

He waited for a moment than imperceptibly nodded. He seemed mortified about it.

“I’ll give you something for the pain and a sedative as well. You haven’t really slept since you come out of surgery, you need to rest. I am not asking by the way. Do you want me to fetch Link for you so that he can keep you company until you fall asleep?”

“Was he here?” he asked. The idea seemed to upset him even more.

“He’s been here all night. I forced him to go and get some sleep but he’ll kill me if he knows that you were awake and he wasn’t there. He was really terrified, he cares about you a lot.”

_Great. You managed to make a fool of yourself in front of the only person that has ever actually stayed. You’re supposed to make his life easier but you’re just being a nuisance to him and to everyone else._

“Please, let him sleep. And forgive me for causing so much trouble.”

**I hope it wasn’t too long, too slow and too boring…. I am really enjoying writing this, and I promise things will get better… eventually. I tried to describe Levi’s inner turmoil and his journey to the wrong assumptions and I really hope I managed to make it work. I’d love to know whether you like how I portrayed them all, both criticism and suggestions are welcome. Thanks a lot to anyone who read!**


End file.
